


Deacon

by NaughtyNeganJDM



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Angry Sex, Angst, Drunk John Winchester, Eventual Fluff, F/M, John Winchester Being an Asshole, Resurrected John Winchester, Rough Sex, Smut, Unsafe Sex
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-11-13
Updated: 2020-11-13
Packaged: 2021-03-10 05:01:22
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 9,357
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27538774
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/NaughtyNeganJDM/pseuds/NaughtyNeganJDM
Summary: A botched hunt with John Winchester leads the reader/OC to have a heated interaction with John that ends in a horrible fight. She ends up leaving and years later comes face to face with him again.
Relationships: John Winchester/Original Character(s), John Winchester/You
Comments: 8
Kudos: 39





	Deacon

**Author's Note:**

> So, I may not be the best at writing John Winchester, but I was given this request: 
> 
> "the reader was with john but they ended up in bad terms and then he died. but when he comes back he sees that she's working with the boys and he tries to make it up to her. the ending is up to you." 
> 
> Hopefully, this is okay and acceptable for you my friend! As always Y/N means your name or honestly, you can put in whatever name you want.

The silence was awful. Sitting in John Winchester’s truck after a hunt was miserable after Y/N had made a mistake. What was meant to be an easy hunt ended badly when she made a mistake and a few demons were able to get away because of her error. John was furious with her. He wasn’t usually a man of many words, but now his silence truly showed how angry he was with her.

Looking to him at the other side of the truck, she could see that he was clinging tightly to the wheel. His breathing was exceedingly heavy and she could see that his chest was rising and falling heavily. There was a crease in his forehead that showed he was angry. It seemed that he was muttering things to himself and she wanted to say something. Something to make things better, but she couldn’t think of anything. She knew how important this was to him. Everything was planned so perfectly and she made a mistake.

When Y/N was first saved by Dean and John, she didn’t believe in the world of the supernatural. Things were hard in her life. She lost a lot of the people she loved young. Originally, she just thought it was bad luck, but then when she found out her family was hunting the supernatural and keeping her out of it, she began to realize why everything had been so hard growing up.

Her father and her mother were always fighting. Her older brothers always seemed to be keeping secrets and holding grudges toward her. It wasn’t until later in life she found out that her mother wanted her to be safe. To have a life that none of them could, so they tried to hide things from her. The fact she was so blind to it was what hurt the most. If she just would have known what was going on, she always thought that maybe she could have saved her family.

Coming home one Thanksgiving day, she returned to find her parents were butchered and her brothers were possessed. At first, she had thought it was just her brothers angry with how things had gone down in the past. To say her father was hard on her brothers was an understatement. She saw the abuse and now she wished she could have gone back and done something about it. She wished she could have known what they were going through so she could have helped them. It was always a thought that lingered in her mind. What if she was able to help stop the abuse they had to attack? Would this all have happened to them?

That day her brothers had tied her up, cut her several times and she had almost died. She was almost certain she was going to die until John and Dean stormed into the home. Those black eyes stuck with her for the rest of her life. They never left. Her brothers were already dead and there was no bringing them back, but the two boys were able to save her. It almost seemed like John was disappointed that it was only her that he could save. Apparently, John was very good friends with her parents had a history of hunting with her father. Dean was desperate to help her, but John wanted to leave her.

When they got her untied, Dean wanted to take her to the hospital and John just wanted to call an ambulance so they could get away. Somehow Dean won out and when she had awoken, she had found both John and Dean in her hospital room. They had convinced the officers that her brothers had unfortunately attacked her parents and tried to do the same to her. It wasn’t hard to believe. Anyone that knew her family knew that her brothers were abused by her father and that they weren’t fond of her for getting to get away to college.

John was eager to leave when she woke up. He figured the deed was done and it was time to go, but Y/N wasn’t okay with that. She couldn’t just pretend everything was okay and act like she didn’t know that the supernatural existed. She wanted revenge, she wanted to help people like her and she begged John to take her with him and Dean.

Dean seemed okay with the idea because she had no one. No one at all, but John wasn’t fond of the idea. He tried so hard to make it so she didn’t come along. Hell, it took her pretty much following them from place to place for him to finally take her under his wing. Dean told her it would be a good thing for John. That she could help fill that void in their family while Sammy was gone. He told her a lot of stories about Sam and all the things that went down between Sam and John. Dean was always open with her about a lot of things and she could understand why John was so cold to everything. Dean mentioned that they lost a lot of people and his brother didn’t want to be part of the family business. Maybe she reminded him of Sam because she was the one in her family that got away and went to school. The one that didn’t take part in hunting.

Sometimes her mind would linger and she debated why John was so against her being with him in the first place. Was it that he didn’t want another person joining them because it was too risky? Was it because she reminded him too much of Sammy? Or was it because she wasn’t the person in her family that he really wanted to survive?

John was a hunter to the core. His life was dedicated to finding out what had happened to his wife. Finding the demon that killed Mary was his number one priority. He lived and breathed the supernatural, while she had only found out the night her family was killed. She had been blind to it her whole life. Dean and John had to teach her everything and it seemed to irritate John that he had to start from the beginning with her. He only agreed to take her on because he was worried she would get herself killed, or worse…get him and Dean killed by following them and having to keep her safe. Either way she was extremely grateful for his decision. 

Dean was the one that taught her most about everything and they bonded as friends would. It was nice having a friendship with Dean Winchester. He was a very sweet boy that hid it behind a dark exterior. John was the one that trained her. The one that corrected her on what she was doing wrong. If it wasn’t for John Winchester, she was certain that she wouldn’t have been able to fight the wars she had already done. The problem was, her and John had constant fights…just about everything. If he was grumpy, she would snap back and he didn’t like it.

To John, when he gave an order, you did it and while she did it, she usually had a snap back. Of course, Dean was always amused with it. He cracked joke about the two of them and John never liked it, but it was clear the two of them bickering gave Dean amusement. She was always questioning things and John was eager to correct her. Dean was never brave enough to question his father’s antics, but he was always amused when Y/N did it.

Most nights she would tell you that John Winchester taught her well and she could take on just about anything, but tonight…tonight she had failed completely. Her focus was pulled when one of the demon’s had managed to almost convince her that it was one of her brother’s talking to her. The way the demon was talking it had her convinced that her brother’s soul was trapped. That he was being tortured and she couldn’t help, but put her guard down. For so long she had been without her family. So, to hear her brother had her entranced. It was the first mistake she had done that was this bad, but it was big. After it happened, a few of the demons got to escape and one of them apparently had information on the demon that had killed Mary. It was clear she had messed up and she had messed up bad. No matter how many times she apologized, she knew it would do absolutely nothing.

“John?” she whispered his name, her eyes staring out at him while he squeezed tighter at the wheel. He didn’t even acknowledge her. Not one bit. “I’m really sorry, okay?”

Nothing, again. It was like she was invisible and she wasn’t even there. John’s eyes stayed focused on the road. There was no pulling him from this. At all.

When they got back to the motel, they both headed back toward the room, but she was following behind him. John was a few feet ahead of her and when he stepped into the room, he closed the door before she could get in. A frustrated breath fell from her lips when she got to the door and reached for the handle realizing it was locked. The two of them had gotten a room to share together and he had the keys.

“John, damn it! Open the door,” she hit at the door hearing nothing on the other end. Going to the window she attempted to pull it open, but found it locked and looked between the blinds to see John going to the table in the corner of the room. He dropped down onto one of the seats and reached for the bottle of cheap whiskey that was on the table before him. Hitting the window, she watched him snatch the glass that was on the table before pouring himself a glass of whiskey. “John, would you please open the door?”

John avoided the sound of her voice like he couldn’t hear her, not even breaking his attention while he quickly swallowed down the first glass of whiskey and poured himself another. Realizing defeat, she stepped back and headed back toward the truck to sleep there instead. Maybe she could stretch out on the seat and wait for morning so that way John had time to cool off. A frustrated breath fell from her throat when she realized the doors were locked. Glaring back at the door to the room they were staying in, she knew that this was his way of punishing her. Where was she supposed to go this late?

A rumble of thunder filled the air around her and a crack of lightening filled the sky making her let out a frustrated breath. Heading to the office, she somehow was able to convince the woman at the front desk that she had locked herself out while the person she was sharing the room with was in the shower. The woman was the person that had checked them in when they first got there so Y/N was thankful for that. If it was someone else, she assumed she would have been shit out of luck.

Taking the keys the woman gave her, she went to the room and opened the door. Pushing the door open with a shove, she heard it hit the wall with a thud and John’s hazel eyes lifted to stare out at her while he tossed back who knows what number this was on glasses of whiskey. The bottle was full when they had gotten it and now, she could see a majority of it was gone.

“You’re an asshole,” she grunted, closing and locking the door behind her. John kept his eyes hooked on her, but still said nothing as he finished off his drink. “I made a mistake, I know, but this fucking cruel for you to treat me like this.”

John rolled his eyes and she saw him reach for the bottle again to pour himself more. Storming across the room, she hit the glass out his hand when he was about to pull it up to his lips. The glass hit the wall and shattered. There was an unbearable rage filling her body that he was completely ignoring her like this. His body tensed and his eyes slowly raised to her. There was an anger inside of his eyes growing and she could tell he was likely about to explode on her.

“I would rather you just erupt on me instead of ignoring me like this,” she whimpered and John still did nothing. Letting out frustrated breath, she went to move only to feel John reach for her wrist and quickly yank her back. Before she could respond, he swiftly stood from the table and shoved her firmly against the wall. His hand reached for her jaw firmly and her head slammed backwards against the wall. “John.”

“I don’t want to hear how sorry you are,” John snapped, his eyes narrowing out at her while his grip tightened. “I don’t want to hear how you made an honest mistake. I was so close to finding him and you ruined it. It’s your fault.”

Using all her might, she shoved into John making him stumble back. His eyebrows tightened and he moved forward to grab a firm hold of her. John slammed her back against the wall again, his mouth meeting hers in a way that was completely rough. His movements were aggressive as she kissed him back.

This was the one thing they had kept from Dean for a very long time. Y/N and John were sleeping together and they had been sleeping together for a very long time. One night they were on a hunt alone and she was upset about her family. John was talking about Mary and one thing led together and they had slept together in the backseat of the Impala. After that, it just kept happening. They never tried to label it, but it kept happening and it happened a lot.

John’s tongue pushed into her mouth, brushing up against hers in a forceful way. Attempting to reach up to touch John’s face, she felt him grabbing a hold of her hands and he slammed them against the wall. Wincing, she pulled away from his mouth and looked him over. His pupils were dilated, his breathing was heavy and his lips were parted.

A gasp fell from her through when she felt John turning her forcefully against the wall. John reached for the back of her pants and with his power he had them down within seconds. Wincing, she tried to look over her shoulder to look at John as he reached for the belt in his pants. When he noticed she was looking he forced her to look back at the wall again. His hand was pressed against the back of her head and her cheek was against the cool wall. Only could she assume what was happening with the sounds behind her. John had one hand he could use, but she could hear his belt jangling, the sound of his zipper being opened and then the material of his pants dropping.

“John,” she muttered his name when he lowered his hand and grabbed a firm hold of her hips to pull them back toward him.

He kicked open her feet to give himself space and he didn’t take his time to lead his body into hers. The thrusts were immediately rough and uneven. The smacking of his flesh against hers almost hurt and she winced with every pounding thrust he did forward. They usually had more of a buildup than this when it came to sex. Even when they were mad at each other, this was often different. John’s groans filtered into the room while he moved. Her body was tight, clasping to his while he smacked his hips forward toward her again and again.

A pained sound fell from her throat when he reached out to press the length of his arm against her shoulders while his other hand forcefully led her hips back to his over and over again. Closing her eyes tightly, she attempted to reach around her to touch John. To have some kind of connection in this, but he reached for her hands and pinned them to the wall.

Thrust after powerful thrust drew her closer to the wall and she bit into her bottom lip. John leaned forward, nipping at her jawline as he rocked into her. While her body didn’t mind what was happening, this wasn’t what she was used to. Their harsh breaths mimicked each other’s while John controlled the movements.

After a while she felt John pulling his hips away from hers. It caused a sharp breath of air to exhale from her lungs. Her legs were shaking and weak from the force he had been using. It left an empty feeling inside of her, but it didn’t last long as John pushed her over toward the bed. Grunting, she hit the bed hard and lifted her head to watch him. Her heart was pounding inside of her chest as John pulled his shirt from his body. There was a look in his eyes that was different and she swallowed down hard.

“Hey…” she breathed out when he moved toward the bed. Another tight breath fell from lips when he lowered in over her after he ripped her pants completely from her body. While she knew where this was headed, she wanted to pull John to her on a mental level like they had done in the past with one another. 

The way his hazel eyes looked her over was unlike anything from what she was used to with him. Reaching up, she brushed her fingers through his messy hair, but he was quick to reach for her wrists to pin them to the bed. It was clear he didn’t want any form of affection in what was happening and he obviously didn’t want her touching him. John adjusted over her and his thick body penetrated hers again making her throw her head back into the bed. The pace he set was almost brutal and the forcefulness of his thrusts were hard. The wet sounds of their sex filled the air making it sound absolutely crude. John was biting at the side of her neck, his wincing breaths filling the air as he pounded into her. With the way he was biting at her flesh, she knew that he was going to leave a mark.

It wasn’t usually like this. Sure, they had been rough, but they always shared a personal connection together. This was different.

The grasp he had on her wrists tightened and he nuzzled his nose against the side of her neck. Shuddering, the warmth of his breath against her neck caused a chill to run down her spine. With the way John was breathing she knew he was close to coming. He may not have liked it, but she had grown used to John Winchester and knew his body very well.

Somewhat of a roar fell from his throat when she felt his body twitching inside of her. His thrusts didn’t falter though as she felt him begin to empty himself inside of her. The weight of his body over hers grew as his muscles tensed up. It felt like his thrusts were more prominent as he drew them out while finishing his orgasm. After he was done, he dropped down. He buried his face into the side of her neck and his grasp was still strong on her wrists. Everything tingled inside of her and her thighs were a bit numb with how he was.

When he gained enough strength, he pulled his hips back and away from her making her whimper when he pulled his length from inside of her. John dropped down to the bed beside her. His breathing was uneven as she watched his chest rise and fall.

“What was that?” she finally spoke up and John looked to her with his narrowed hazel eyes. He shrugged and lifted his head to look down at his damp body. “You’ve never been like that with me.”

“We’ve had rough sex before Y/N,” John corrected her, swallowing down hard when he reached up to wipe the sweat from his brow.

“Yeah, but never like that. We usually are connected,” she explained, pulling herself up to look over at it him. It was uncomfortable to move; she definitely could tell that. “I feel loved afterwards. You make me feel special.”

“Loved?” he repeated her word with a snort. It was an arrogant expression that spread over his features and she didn’t know how to respond. “It’s just sex. That’s all it has ever been.”

“You’ve actually told me you loved me multiple times,” she reminded him and John dropped his head back on the bed, letting out a long, shallow breath.

“I tell you what you want to hear during sex. That’s what I do,” John retorted with a huff. “I love my wife. Mary is the only person I love.”

“Seriously?” she snapped watching his dimples sink in when he looked to her with a serious expression. “You don’t mean that, you’re just being a jerk.”

“You really think I love you?” John snorted as she got up from the bed and reached for her pants. “What we have here is relationship of convenience. When I need a release or you need a release, the other one is here for that. I don’t love you. I’ve never loved you and you know that.”

“Clearly I don’t,” she felt her eyes tearing over and she shook her head slowly. “I don’t believe it though. I just think your mad at me because I got caught up in a moment. I lost my entire family and I have nothing. Nothing, but you.”

“We were there for Mary and it got screwed up because of you and your ignorance,” John scowled, lifting up to rest on his elbows while he spoke to her. “You ruined everything tonight.”

“You are so damn hellbent on getting revenge for Mary that you can’t even see what’s in front of you,” she exclaimed, tears burning at her eyes as she stared out at him. “You have two boys that love you…”

“Don’t start, you don’t know what I’m going through,” John refused to hear what she was saying as he sat up on the edge of the bed. John took a moment to gather himself, attempting to catch his breath. “To even think you understand half the pain of what I’ve gone through…”

“I lost my entire family John. I have no one left,” she pointed out with a whimper, “So if I got caught in the idea that I might be talking to my brother, how could you blame me? It would be like someone using Mary against you.”

“You’re not even close to the same situation as I am,” John refused to listen to her, getting up from the bed to pull his pants back over his hips. He left them open as he turned to her and pointed out at her. “I don’t even know why I brought you along. I don’t even know why you’re still with us in the first place. You aren’t useful other than to keep my bed warm at night.”

“Wow,” she felt her heart break as John’s jaw flexed, his angry eyes narrowing out at her as he spoke. “All this time I thought that maybe you might love me. Maybe there was something more because of the way you make love to me.”

“I would pick getting revenge for Mary any day over you sweetheart,” John insisted with a firm nod and by the way he was staring out at her, she could tell he was being honest. “If given the chance, I would give up everything I’ve had with you to see her again.”

“Okay,” she reached up to push at the tears over her face. “You are a miserable man who is too stupid to see what’s in front of him.”

“A desperate little girl that thinks because someone fucks her that they are in love with them?” John mocked, clearly frustrated with her being upset.

“I actually meant that you have something to live for other than this revenge scheme you have because someone died so long ago,” she corrected him knowing that he was out to attack her. She didn’t know if it was the alcohol or if this was what he really felt, but it hurt. It dug like a knife at her heart and she couldn’t hide the inexplicable pain that it was causing. “You’re a bastard John Winchester. Someone that I think your wife would be highly disappointed with.”

John’s glare got colder if that was even possible and he said nothing. He reached for his clothes and pulled them on before storming out of the room. It left her alone to her thoughts and she thought of everything she had gone through. All she had lost and all she had put into her relationship that she thought she had with John. She did everything for him. Went above and beyond to try and help him, but this was how he was treating her?

Laying down in bed, she turned away from the door and she couldn’t help, but cry. John had told her on multiple occasions that he loved her. That he cared for her. He was sweet and tender. When she was sad, he took her under his wing and protected her, but now he was saying things that were awful.

Hours later he had returned to the room and she pretended to be sleeping. She didn’t want to talk to him at all. Instead of even trying to interact with her, he just pulled his shirt off and dropped face first in the bed beside her. He reeked of alcohol more than he did when he left. Instantly he seemed to fall asleep after muttering incoherent nonsense out loud.

When the sun rose, she pulled herself from the bed and started gathering her things. She couldn’t do this anymore.

John was out cold in the center of the bed and her movements barely affected him. His head rose when he heard her for a moment, but he dropped it back down almost immediately.

Heading to the door, she was prepared to leave with her things. They weren’t much, but she needed to start somewhere new. This was getting to be too hard. She couldn’t be in love with a man who was stuck in the past. When he told her that he would pick his revenge over her, she truly believed him. Wasting a life on John Winchester was something she couldn’t do. Not anymore.

A mile or so away from the motel she knew there was a bus stop. She would walk there and she didn’t care where it would take her. As long as it got her far away from here. She would start over new there and be able to have a life beyond a hopeless wish or dream. She put everything into helping John. She wanted him happy. She wanted him to get the revenge he deserved, but he was ruining everything around him to do it.

Pulling open the door, she gasped to see Dean was standing there about to knock. There were coffees and donuts in his hands and a bright smile expanded over his young features until he saw the bag over her shoulder, “Where are you going?”

“I messed up really bad last night,” she admitted looking back over her shoulder at John who was still out cold. “I keep messing up Dean. I thought I had a family here and somewhere I could fit in, but I don’t.”

“That’s not true. You do fit in here,” Dean tried to assure her and he nodded back toward the table in the motel room. “Just come back in and talk to me. We’ll figure this out.”

“I can’t do that Dean,” she whimpered, tears pressing in over her eyes when she thought about the things John had said last night. Originally, she joined this fight to help get revenge on those that hurt her family, but she knew that she was only sticking around for John. He pulled her along long enough, making her believe he loved her by saying it. By being sweet when she needed it and acting like he genuinely cared when she was hurt. “I don’t belong here.”

“Y/N, you’re family,” Dean corrected her again, watching her move around him and he called out. “Dad!”

Cringing at the sound of Dean calling out for his dad over and over again, Y/N wanted to rush as she heard Dean calling out to her again, “Y/N!”

Looking over her shoulder she saw Dean running out of the room after he clearly said something to his father and ran in front of her to stop her, holding his hands up in the air, “You’re not safe out there alone.”

“I’m not any better here,” she frowned feeling her eyes tearing over at the thoughts of what John had said to her. “Dean, you are the sweetest man…and you care so greatly for people. If it weren’t for you insisting I be with you guys I probably would have swallowed myself whole with my sorrows.”

“I don’t understand,” Dean admitted, his raspy voice filling the air. “If it’s dad, he gets angry when things fall through, you know? But you’re family. We care about you.”

“Dean, go inside,” John’s tired voice filled the air and she immediately regretted not leaving earlier. John was pulling his shirt over his body as he walked over toward them. “Let me talk to her.”

“I just don’t understand what happened. We were happy the other day. The three of us,” Dean reminded them and John placed his hand over the center of Dean’s chest to get him to step back. “Dad, she can’t leave.”

“Dean, go inside and that’s an order,” John grunted and Dean threw his hands up in the air before walking back toward the motel room. When Dean was fully inside, John turned toward Y/N and let out a hesitant laugh. “What are you doing?”

“I can’t be here around you after the things you said last night,” she answered truthfully and he frowned. He reached up to pinch the bridge of his nose and winced. “I fell in love with you John and I can’t sit here pretending that I don’t feel a way that I do.”

“I don’t really even remember what I said last night,” John muttered with a groan, his tired eyes lifting to hers and he shrugged. “I was mad. I know I was mad.”

“The things you said were cruel,” she stated with a firm nod of her head. “I know we had to keep things a secret from Dean, I do…”

John almost turned pale, looking over his shoulder to make sure Dean wasn’t there when she spoke, “but you told me you loved me. Multiple times and I believed you. Why say it, if you didn’t mean it John?”

“I say a lot of things I don’t mean,” John began with a heavy sigh, reaching up to brush his fingers through his dark, messy hair. “I think you should give me a chance to wake up and just talk this out with you.”

“So, you’re saying you don’t love me?” she repeated and John’s hazel eyes looked confused after she asked that question. Reaching up, she brushed at the tears over her face and nodded. “Okay.”

“I don’t know how I feel about things Y/N,” John explained and shook his head slowly, “All I’ve ever felt for the last few years is rage. The first time we slept together we were both sad. I was sad about Mary; you were sad about your family and we were looking to feel better. That’s what I thought this was. We used each other to feel better. To forget for a small amount of time how the world actually was.”

“Well I guess I was stupid and thought what you said was what you meant,” she pointed out with a small nod and John tilted his head to the side. “I wasn’t faking it. God John Winchester, I love you and you are the most blind, stubborn man I’ve ever known.”

“Dean is right, you’re not safe alone,” John spoke up, clearing his throat when he looked back toward the motel. “You’re in this now and leaving…”

“You don’t care. If sacrificing me meant you got your precious revenge…you’d do it in an instant,” she scoffed back and John’s eyebrows tensed together. “You can’t tell me I’m wrong.”

“I think you need to take some time to cool down and think about what you are doing here,” John reached out to grab her hands and she pulled them away from him. “Just be logical here for a second.”

“I’m going to die for you. At the end of the day I know that if I stay, I will put everything on the line for you. To make you happy,” she shook her head, her voice cracking as she spoke. “And you won’t even care. It will just be another thing to add to the list of things worth losing to get back at that demon for taking Mary away from you.”

“That’s not true,” John’s expression got sad when she said that and he could see that she started crying. “I do care about you. You are part of this family.”

“But you wouldn’t shed a tear. You wouldn’t care as long as you got what you wanted,” she whimpered and John tried to reach out to touch her, but she held her hands up in the air to block him. “I’ve tried to convince myself that there was something here. I thought there was, but it was my brain creating moments between us.”

“Listen, they know you’re in this. Leaving puts you in danger because Dean nor I can protect you,” John muttered, holding his hands in the air in a pleading way. “I’m just asking you to understand that last night I was angry and I was drunk.”

“Often when we are the angriest, we say the things that have really been on our mind,” she denied and clung tightly to the bag that was over her shoulder. “You’ll get over this, just like you do everything else. Well, except for that one thing.”

“Y/N…” John called out as she backstepped away from him with a shrug. She was crying and he didn’t know what to do other than just let her walk away.

“What are you doing?” Dean moved out of the motel room going to chase after Y/N, but John stopped his son from going after her. “What did you do dad? This is wrong?”

“There is nothing we can do to change her mind,” John frowned, looking back to see her further off in the distance. Her mind was made and there was no changing it.

Over a year later, John was surprised to find that when they were in Colorado and had found out about Salvation that Y/N had been living there. Dean had made contact with her and John had seen her when he had walked out of the hotel room for some fresh air. When she saw John, the coloring had drained from her features.

“Dad,” Dean looked over his shoulder to see his father approaching them, John’s eyes seemingly hooked on Y/N when he made it over to them. “You remember Y/N, right?”

“Yeah, of course I do,” John nodded, his hazel eyes looking her over while Dean nodded toward the direction of the car.

“I have to grab something, I’ll be right back,” Dean urged the two of them and gave a half smile before leaving them. At first there was nothing, but silence between the two of them as John kicked at the dirt beneath his feet.

“How are you?” he finally broke the silence and cleared his throat.

“Okay,” she answered simply, her heart fluttering at the man standing before her. She didn’t think she would react to seeing John like this again. Hell, she didn’t think that she would have ever seen John again in general.

“I’m glad to see you’re alive,” John bluntly said, holding his hand out in the air clearly not sure what to say to her.

“Uh…same,” she nodded, giving him a sideways glance.

“Well, I guess I should get going,” John back stepped toward the hotel room and he heard her call out to him.

“John, there is uh…there is something I need to talk to you about,” she stammered, her words coming out broken because she was clearly nervous about something. “It’s kind of about when I left…”

“Listen, has Dean told you what’s going on?” John inquired, his hazel eyes narrowing as he spoke to her. When she nodded, he shrugged his shoulders and nodded back toward the hotel. “I think we should talk and I agree with that, but…not now. I need to have a clear mind with all of this. We’re so close. This is the whole reason I’ve been doing this. You know?”

“Right,” her head lowered and her cheeks flushed over, “I guess you’re right.”

“But you’re okay, right?” John shot her a half smile and she felt tears burning at her eyes. Nodding, she knew that it was still the same. John cared about Mary and Mary alone. “It was good to see you.”

Watching John leave hurt and thinking that there might be another chance to talk to him had lingered in her mind. Of course, John had died not long after. They never got to have that talk and it left her alone until something happened that caused her to find Sam and Dean again. After that, she started working with the boys on occasion. Unfortunately, no matter how much you tried to leave the life of the supernatural, you never could. Something was always following her or the knowledge of what was going on made her feel responsible for what was going on.

Many years in the future Y/N had woken up to find her life was completely different. When she couldn’t figure out what was happening, she had called Dean on the phone who urged her to come see them. She made her way to the bunker where she knew the boys were hoping to understand what was happening. The world had changed vastly overnight and she didn’t understand it. When she arrived at the bunker, Dean eagerly met her there.

“Hey, I know we kind of talked over the phone, but something is happening,” Dean explained hearing the sound of someone walking in behind him and he looked over his shoulder. Y/N looked in the direction and saw John standing in the distance. Her legs grew weak and she had to brace herself seeing the familiar face she had often dreamt of for so many years. “Dad...”

“Y/N?” John smiled brightly and moved up the stairs toward her. When John’s arms wrapped around her, she felt her breath escape her lungs with his arms wrapped tightly around her. “The boys were telling me about everything…it’s so good to see that after all these years you are still around, helping the boys.”

“Yeah,” she half smiled, patting John on the back as he held her close. Dean’s eyes connected with hers and she didn’t know how to respond. “Dean?”

“I did something…I did something and it brought dad from the past…here,” Dean explained with a hesitant laugh, his eyes glancing between both John and Y/N when they pulled apart from the hug. “It’s a bit to explain.”

And that’s what Dean did. He explained what happened and why everything was different. It was because John was missing from the past and just disappeared which would have changed everything. There was a very important part of her life missing and John being here explained everything.

“Dean, can I talk to John alone for a minute?” Y/N begged and Dean nodded his head, giving them an odd expression before leaving. Staring out at John, her eyes teared over and she could see him staring out at her the way he used to. The way he did before they fought. “Did we fight and did I leave where you are from?”

“No,” John gave her a confused expression and a crack of a smile pressed in over his lips, “Why would you leave? What did I do?”

A shallow breath fell from her lungs and she found herself falling back against the wall, reaching up to cover her face with her hands. John reached out to try and comfort her and she urged him to stay away from her.

“I’m going to guess it wasn’t a good fight?” John cleared his throat and stepped away from her. When she lifted her head and he saw that her eyes were tearing over he began to worry. “Y/N, what’s wrong?”

“I’m going to guess you’ve seen Mary?” she confirmed with John and his bright smile expanded over his features and he nodded. “Good. Good. I’m glad. I know that’s what you always wanted was to be with her.”

“Oh…oh is that why you are upset?” John swallowed down and she shrugged her shoulders. “Hey, I…can we walk outside for a minute?”

Agreeing, she followed him outside and looked to John when he rubbed his hands over the front of his pants, “I know the two of us had something going on. I do and I know you probably feel a certain way toward me. I get this is probably very upsetting for you to see me so many years later…and then I’m happy with my family. You know?”

“It’s strange,” she admitted, feeling a lump developing in her throat and she reached up to wipe at her eyes with the back of her hand. “The second to last time we saw each other, we had a huge fight. I caused a demon to disappear and get away. You lost the information he had about the demon that killed Mary. You were so mad at me that you started drinking and you said things…I know, I know you never loved me. You just said those things to make me feel better when I needed to hear it.”

“Well…hey now,” John stepped forward, reaching out to gently cup her face in his rough palms. John’s hazel eyes made her feel at ease as he stared out at her. He shook his head and let out a hesitant sound. “I don’t know what I say to you that makes you run away, but…you hold a special place in my heart. You always will.”

“I guess hearing all of this has made you have a change of heart about some things, huh?” she chuckled realizing that the news of everything that happened likely loosened him up to the idea of things. She reached up and grasped at John’s hands over her face. Caressing over them, she closed her eyes and couldn’t, help, but cry. “My son is missing…”

“Your…your son?” John repeated her words and she nodded slowly. “Like…”

“Like as soon as you showed up, he was gone. I went into his room and he was missing. It was like he never existed in the first place,” she finally admitted to him and John lowered his hands, his eyes staring into hers as she spoke. “You…being here erased my son from existence and I don’t know how to feel about it. I mean you’re here and it’s good to know you’re not…dead, but still…”

“Who is the father?” John tilted his head to the side and he could see the uncomfortable expression press in over her features. When the tears started to slide down her face, John let out a hesitant breath and his smile faded. “Oh.”

“Yeah, it’s you,” she informed him, finding it hard to swallow the lump that had developed in her throat. “Clearly, you’re the John from before my son was ever made and it explains why my life is completely, severely different.”

“We…we have a son together?” John confirmed and she moved into her car to reach inside of it under the visor. Returning, she handed him over the photo and saw John looking it over. The photo was fading and she assumed the longer it went, the more it would fade and she would likely not even remember her own son. She wondered how she still remembered this as it was since everyone around her seemed to only know of this new life. “Wow…”

“He looks like you,” she acknowledged knowing that her son looked so much like John. How she had managed to keep the truth from Sam and Dean all these years truly shocked her because of how much her son looked like their father. Either they were oblivious to it or they may have known, but never truly wanted to know. “His name is Deacon.”

“Deacon,” John spoke the name, lifting his eyes to hers and she could see that he had a dampness over the corner of his eyes. “That is a beautiful boy. I’m going to guess I don’t live long enough to meet that handsome boy, do I?”

“I tried telling you about him,” she confessed, thinking back to the last time she had spoken to John. “It was before you died. I tried to tell you and you told me we would talk later. That you had to have your mind clear because it was everything you had wanted in finding that demon. I didn’t want to mess something else up for you like I already had, so I never told you…”

“I sure hope that boy of ours is a better man that I ever was,” John’s voice cracked as he looked down at the photo again. His thumb swiped over the fading image and he could tell that it was most certainly their son. “And he’s involved in the supernatural too?”

“I couldn’t hide it from him like my family hid it from me. Look what happened to my family when they hid things from me,” she reminded John of how he had saved her. Slowly, John handed her back the photo and took one last lingering look at the photo. “Now, I’m probably going to lose the memory of him completely. I mean if, you’re here and you’re happy…”

John stepped forward, his hands cupping her face to pull her close to him. John dipped down and his lips hovered over hers before colliding with hers. It was a kiss unlike any she had ever experienced with John. It was passionate, it was sincere and it made her heart flutter inside of her chest. It took her breath away and when John pulled back, he rest his forehead against hers.

“You’ll have your son back,” John promised, his dimples sucking in as he clearly showed that he was emotional over what happened. “I want you to go home and I promise you when you get back, he’ll be right where he is meant to be.”

“John, that would mean…?” she began, but he hushed her and nodded toward where her car was. “There are so many things I wish I could say to you. So many things I wish we could talk about.”

“I know,” he frowned, reaching up to wipe some of her tears away from her face. “We don’t really have the time for that now, do we?”

“I should have said it the last time I saw you, but I love you John Winchester and I’m sorry I let things get as bad as they did,” she whimpered and John pulled her into his arms to hug her closely to him. It felt so great to once again be able to be in his arms and she didn’t know how to take it. It all felt like a dream.

“I’m sorry, I should have listened to you and met my son. At least once,” John muttered, his eyes narrowing as he stepped back. John reached for her hand and pulled it to his lips, depositing a single kiss over the back of her hand. “It’s so good to see you Y/N. It really is. You make sure you let that boy know how important he is, okay? Tell him his dad loves him.”

“John?” she watched him head back into the bunker and she wondered if she should go back in there after him, but when John Winchester gave an order, you did it. So she did what he asked of her and drove back home. The ride home felt awful and things felt different.

When she made it home, she moved into the house and prayed like hell that she would go inside to find Deacon in his room. Having Deacon on her own was hard and she knew that she shouldn’t have kept Deacon from his father, but John was so hell bent on finding that demon she never had thought he would have cared to know about his son. Deacon was a mistake that had happened between her and John not being careful with each other, but he was the best thing that John Winchester ever gave her.

Her heart ached over the silence. Moving for the steps, she slowly made her way up to Deacon’s room and reached for the doorknob. Turning it slowly, she almost felt like she would be met with heartache until she opened the door to see Deacon sitting on his bed reading something with headphones on while he listened to music.

“Deacon?” she muttered his name and Deacon lifted his gaze from what he was reading and pulled his headphones off. Swiftly moving across his bedroom, she sat on the edge of his bed and pulled him close into a tight hug. “Oh baby, I missed you so much.”

“You were gone for a few hours,” Deacon snickered, reaching up to hug his mother in return realizing that she was getting extremely emotional to be hugging him. “Mom, what happened?”

“I just thought about a life where I didn’t have you,” she admitted, tracing over the side of Deacon’s face. His familiar hazel eyes and dimples reminded her all over again about getting to see John Winchester once more. “It broke my heart.”

“Mom, you’re getting gushy,” Deacon teased with a wink and they shared another embrace before heading downstairs to make something for dinner.

When she was about to move into the kitchen, she noticed there were multiple photos on the mantle over the fireplace that weren’t there before. Moving toward the fireplace, she noticed they were all photos with John. Reaching out for the center photo, she brought it to her to see that it was a photo of John with baby Deacon. There was a big, bright smile over John’s face while he posed for the photo that was taken.

“Mom?” Deacon spoke to his mother noticing that she looked pale and he could see that she was crying looking at the photo in her hands. “Are you okay?”

“What are these?” she muttered, lifting her gaze for a moment to look at each photo that was on the mantle. Looking at them caused a flash of memories that were vague, but they were there. Almost like a dream, but they felt real. They caused so many emotions to flood through her when she was hit with multiple memories. Memories that never happened before and she felt the room spinning around her.

“They are family photos,” Deacon seemed confused while he reached for the photo that was in his mother’s hands. He looked it over and stroked the photo with his thumb, a smile pressing in over his features. “You always said this was your favorite photo of us together. You told me dad wasn’t one to smile a lot. That this photo was one of his true, genuine smiles. It always makes me feel better when I look at it.”

“Your father was around at the beginning of your life?” she was still confused, not sure whether to believe this new flood of memories that entered her mind like they had. She still remembered the world before, so it was hard for her to determine what was real.

“Mom, do you need to sit down?” Deacon suggested nodding toward the couch. He reached out to grab her hand and led her to sit down, setting the photo she grabbed on the table. Deacon went to the bookshelf that was in the living room and grabbed a photo booklet. He returned with it and handed it to her. “You know that dad was part of my life at the beginning. I was kind of a secret, but it was to keep me safe.”

Opening the booklet, she surveyed the photos seeing photos of her and John together while she was pregnant. Clearing her throat, she felt the room spinning around her. This was incredible. There were multiple photos with John that she had never experienced before. The photos showed that John was there when Deacon was around and had been around for a while before he clearly passed away. Their horrible fight had never happened and these happy memories instead were replacing that ache and emptiness their fight had left in her heart.

“If you look,” Deacon held his wrist out to show the watch that was over his wrist, “Dad gave you this to give to me when I was older…”

Looking to the picture that was on the coffee table she could see it was the very one that John was wearing in the picture, “I mean, it’s still a little big, but it fits.”

“I’m sorry Deacon, I’m just a little out of sorts today,” she explained when Deacon placed his hand over her shoulder while she was clearly very emotional over the photos she was looking at.

Had talking to John caused the change in these moments? Did John go back to where he was supposed to be with the memory of what she told him about Deacon? It must have been John that caused all of this.

“Hey, I know you loved dad,” Deacon hushed her, reaching out to wrap his arms around her tightly in a supportive hug. “He seemed like an amazing guy.”

“He was definitely something else,” she smiled, appreciating the memories that she now had. With still remembering what happened in the past, she just didn’t know how to handle it all, but she was happy. Happy that her son had these memories to look back on in the photos. That she did now too instead of the heartbreak that he had left her with before. “I love you Deacon.”

“I love you too mom,” Deacon pulled back enough to give her the same smile that John had, reminding her all over again of his father.

Seeing that Deacon got to be with his father filled her heart with so much love and it made her realize there was so much good to John Winchester. Beyond the man that she knew. She would always love John Winchester, but she would always owe him for the thing he gave her that she loved the most. It was the best gift he had ever given her and that was their son.


End file.
